1.31.2005
I was not sure what to title this post so I just used the date for now. Who knows? Something cool might pop up into my head when I least expect it. I hope. Anyway, last Friday came with the great news that I was hired at the law firm. I start on the payroll tomorrow. I was happy last Friday. It has been a while since I remember being happy on a given day. Permanancy in my life has always been elusive to me, but things are changing. My attitude could always use change as well. Hope is in the air. Now, I just have to attempt to afford the outrageously expensive utilities that have been driving me nuts.
The Great Destroyer
Simply put, The Great Destroyer, the first record by Northern Minnesota's critical darlings, Low on Sub Pop, is, well......great. More feedback and heavier sound than I remember from the early days. That started with the albums that Steve Albini produced, particularly the last record, Trust. But, I like the direction that they are going in.
On the eve of the first day of my 32nd year
Yesterday, I told Glory, one of the secretaries I file for at work, that I was not looking forward to tomorrow, my 32nd birthday. What is the big deal anyway? It is just another birthday, a day that is no different than the rest. Well, it is true. But, I realize that I truly need to get my hopes up. I was a nervous wreck at work today because I await the outcome of whether or not I will get hired on to this job. I like where I am working right now. I spent a lot of time and hardwork cleaning up the mess that the previous file clerk left (not that it was a HUGE mess, but there was some disarray.) The people I work with are great. My supervisor is great (I even have a crush on him, but I will not go there....at least until a later post.) So, with this nervous anticipation hovering over me, I hope that I get a great birthday present in the form of a permanent job. Even if I do not find out until Friday, that is okay.
Refresher Courses for Christians
I recently came to a realization: Christians are stupid. But, is this really a surprise? No, not really. Do I think that ALL Christians are stupid? No, but when they decide to wage war on a cartoon character in the shape of a sponge, because they are tainting the world's children, they set themselves up for this characterization. The brouhaha over a video about TOLERANCE that is being made for children is ridiculous. I thought that the controversy over Tinky Winky from the Teletubbies a few years back was bad enough. I thought that these idiots could not go any lower. Guess what? They threw me a curve ball. Now, Spongebob Squarepants. I am flabbergasted at the insane stupidity of the Christian Right in their new attempt to censor the teaching of tolerance from our schools. For fuck sakes, get over yourselves.
Well, I think that I might have come up with a solution to cure Christians once and for all of the stupidity bug. Why not create a new school or recruitment program or something like that which can cater to those Christians who want to better themselves? Why not assist these helpless souls to see the light of reality. Maybe these courses could be offered by Discover U or something like that? The course syllabus is not finalized, but here are some ideas for classes:
Basic Courses:
Respect 101
Tolerance 101 - Prerequisite: Respect 101
Advanced courses:
"No, God does not have you phone number programmed in his cell phone, nor does he even carry one!" 301
Humanity and Dignity 302
Like I said, these ideas are merely stepping stones to start the ball rolling. Also, I think that if anyone gets anything less than 100 percent should be required to take the course over again. Heck, we can charge tuition and have that money go towards Tsunami Relief Efforts, AIDS Research, or something worthwhile. But, desperate times call for desperate measures in the fight for equality, respect, humanity, and dignity. Preaching hatred and encouraging internalized self-hatred and emotional/mental terrorism is not right. These people want to try and cure the GLBT community of their sexual preference. Well, I have a better idea. Let's create the Ex-"I am a self-righteous asshole who thinks everyone around him is evil" movement. This just might be the key to a more peaceful world.
Identity
I have a lot on my mind this afternoon. In a poor attempt to sort this shit out, I find myself befuddled. Where to begin? Bear with me here:
I feel completely trapped in my life right now. I've been struggling to find my out of the dizzy maze that appears to be my life at the moment. Every attempt produced failure. Maybe all the negativity is sucking all the energy out of my brain or something. I strongly desire the negativity to leave my system so I can get on with it. I have too much left in my life to accomplish and so little time to produce results.
Identifying with the gay community is becoming more and more difficult for me. I've always had difficulty in this area, but I am quite bothered by it now more than I ever have before. The differences between my interests and those of everyone else are striking. You have to look no further than my music collection. Looking at it: Laibach, Coil, SWANS, Nurse With Wound, Windsor for the Derby, Neurosis, the list goes on and on..."I am surprised that there is something in your musical tastes that I actually like," quipped my housemate Kent the other day. This is funny, coming from Mr. "I like country, you know, like Martina McBride, Suzy Boggess (sic)..." His attempts at trying to get me to go to country night at the Timberline on Fridays have failed. I like hanging out with Kent, he's a great guy, but not enough to wanna start two-stepping lessons. "If you can't beat them, join them." Well, it's not about beating them, but I certainly don't want to join them at the country bar. So, is there a point I am trying to get at here? Yes! I just want to be myself, but, the problem is, being myself makes me feel more and more invisible. The key to the solution is finding a way to be myself, be open to other aspects of the community, and subtlely make others notice at the same time. The idea is to find some kind of balance.
Johnny Carson
Late night television galvanizer, Johnny Carson, has passed away today. That was totally unexpected.
a computer to call my own
Having this new laptop to call my own has been a great relief. For example, I was beginning to get tired of lugging around 15, 000 cds in my bookbag every single day, just to listen to 2 or 3 of them. What the hell was the point in that? Now, I can rip the music I listen to the most and not have to drag a bunch of cds with me. Now, the next thing that I need to acquire is an IPOD or some sort of MP3 player that I can take with me.
Marc Almond - Daily Mirror Interview
Neurosis can kick Metallica's ass, take two
Okay, this is take two of this entry. I am having connectivity issues with the Wireless Network that I am using here at CapHill Cafe. So, I lost my original entry because I did not save draft. UGGGHHHHH. Anyway, here goes:
Last night was my long-awaited first time seeing a Neurosis performance. Live, they are an amazing band. On record, they are an equally amazing band. I like to think of them as the "thinking man's Metallica." I'd even venture to say that Neurosis is better than Metallica. I would not necessarily call them hard rock, nor would I necessarily call them metal either. Yet, they are ferocious live. The second song in is my favorite of theirs, The Last We'll Know, from Times of Grace. They have an experimental project called Tribes of Neurot, which takes them to a whole new level of grace. [Here, I veered into a different direction from where I went the first time I typed this]. Plus, they had Jarboe join them for a few songs from the amazing Neurosis & Jarboe CD from 2003. I have admired Jarboe for a long time. Of course, after the show, I got the chance to play dorky fanboy by approaching her to say hi. I met her the summer of 2003, when she performed with Larsen (another great band). She remembered me from the SWANS list, which is cool. She acknowledged that some of her friends were turned away at the door of the show for some reason, including Bill Rieflin's wife. That was kinda weird. Overall, the night was great, although, I felt kinda cheesy after my stint as dorky fanboy. Being the typical gay man that I am, I complemented her on her new hair color. WHAT A DORK!! LOL!!
As an added bonus, I saw my good friend Joel, with whom I have not seen in probably four years. I was wondering what happened to him. As it turned out, he was working the Neurosis show. I met Joel (as with my friends Megan and Ken) on the SWANS list. He managed Graceland, the all ages venue that apparently just closed. He mentioned that it was going to open back up soon. That was an added treat to make the night great.
However, my mood changed when I decided to go to the Eagle after the show. I prefer to go to the Eagle, versus the other gay bars in Seattle, but lately, I've felt completely invisible from everyone. I am struggling with how I identify and connect to the rest of the GLBT community. In reality, I don't identify. I try. Failure. Maybe I am not trying enough? That could be! How much more do I try before I decide to give up entirely. I find myself more attracted to the clientele that goes to the Eagle than the clientele that goes to R Place or Neighbours. I can't win. Maybe it is meant to be a losing battle. I guess the best I can do is continue to be myself, be unique as I wanna be and maybe eventually it will get noticed. In the meantime, I continue to be me.
January 2005 Current Listening
Nurse With Wound/Jim O'Rourke - Tape Monkey Mooch (Angry Eelectric Finger 1)
Nurse With Wound/Cyclobe - Paraparaparallellogrammatica (Angry Eelectric Finger 2)
Nurse With Wound - Shipwreck Audio
BBC Essential Mix - Black Strobe 11.25.2004 mp3
COIL - ANS
COIL - Moon's Milk (In Four Phases)
Michael Mayer - Touch
Kompakt Various - Speicher 2
Fixmer/McCarthy - Between the Devil
The Soft Pink Truth - Do You Want New Wave, or Do You Want....
Larsen - Play
P.J. Harvey - Uh Huh Her
You gotta love (and hate) her!
That is exactly my gut reaction everytime Ann Coultier opens her damn mouth. She's funny because of the stupid shit she says, but I also hate her because of the stupid ass things she says. This time, the current issue of Time Magazine. In it, there is a section of the cover article about what makes "celebrities" happy. Her response was: Liberals crying, threatening to leave the U.S. for Canada. I think that it's funny when she disses celebrities when they try to speak about politics, but, then, she is in a section about "celebrities." That is the typical Right-Wing rhetoric - they condemn Hollywood, but yet, they are a part of Hollywood, also. Ann Coultier, Rush Limbaugh, Pat Robertson....they are all celebrities. They say things because people will turn their heads and take note.
Oh, and another thing: I hate to disappoint Ann, but this is one liberal that is not leaving this country. This liberal, for one thing, is here to stay and fight.
Frustrated, and in a state of blah
To be totally truthful here, I am frustrated beyond belief with where my life is going right now. I am suffering from several problems:
1. Shyness - I see people all over as I trevail down the streets of Seattle. I see people that seem interesting and might potentially be cool to hang out with. But, the problem is, I am afraid to approach people because I am afraid of rejection. Rejection (sometimes, it might be all in my head) is a daily part of my life. I feel completely invisible and not cool enough. When I make eye contact with people, the eyes immediately bolt to the top of the head, in a "rolling their eyes" motion. These knee-jerk reactions wither away at my self-esteem and I find myself falling deeper into the hole of invisibility.
2. Friends don't call or return e-mails (if they do, it's extremely rare.) Finally, I am able to put words to the feelings. It's like I feel like my name came up on "The Ten Most Wanted" list and everyone else is aware of it, except for me. I have fears of my name being slandered and as a result, people are ignoring me because of the newly created stigma attached to me. I know that this is totally in my head, but I have become pre-occupied with this unrealistic fear.
3. Lack of motivation - This affects all aspects of my life, from approaching my housemate about the frustration that things are going nowhere, to getting my writing together to submit to publishers and writing contests. It hampers my inability to approach and meet new people. It prevents me from going out and just simply doing things.
4. My sexuality - I constantly feel like I am only noticed for my cock. People double-take when I whip it out, but their "tunnel vision" prevents them from seeing other things about me. Examples: my sense of humor (underneath the apparent seriousness), my personality, my diverse interests, my open-mindedness, my ability to hold a conversation (once I get to know someone), etc. Nope! Typical male thinks with his dick mentality at its finest.
I am approaching my 32nd birthday and I was initially excited about it. However, after some further consideration, I have realized it is going to be yet another birthday that absolutely no one will acknowledge other than my faithful family. Simply put, I can not continue down this path of unhappiness and frustration. I am near the point of bashing my head into a brick wall or forcing someone to place the straitjacket on me tightly to the point of near-suffocation. I do not feel good about myself right now. I have not felt good about myself for a very long time. I thought moving back to the place that I love would help, but in some aspects, it has made it worse.
There is a bright side - there usually is, but I rarely focus on it. The job situation is good. I work with people that are fully aware of my potential and are grateful for the work I have done. There is respect on the job, which is something I've long strived for. My old job at the AGO was close to it. I have great friends and wonderful housemate. However, a phone call from any one of them, simply wanting to know how I am doing is a relatively small request, I think. I am making a serious attempt in the next few months addressing these feeling, speaking out about these feelings (particularly, through this blog). Putting these feelings to words is an easier way for me to express myself than talking out loud.
Cheers to 2005
Well, 2005 has finally arrived. I am relieved that 2004 is now behind me. I'm ready for a great year. I need to have a great year for sanity sake. Yeah, GWB may be in power for another 4 years, but I am not going to let that interfere with me having a great year. Michele Bachmann (State Senator from Stillwater, MN) may try to pass her heinous and discriminatory Anti-gay marriage amendment in the MN Constitution, but, I , along with others, will fight here. I will not allow her to interfere with my ability to have a great year. I will not let callous and unspiritual comments from the Pope hamper my ability to have a great year. For far too long, I've let other people's ignorance and hatred get to me. Now is the time where I no longer allow any of the bullshit in the world bring me down. I have to fight for the right to my own sanity. That is all there is to it.
