Sun

The sun is out right now. This makes me happy. Pure and simple. Just the way I like it. After last week's ordeal, I gained a renewed appreciation for the simple things in life. Life is lived only once (unless reincarnation is for real) so the best thing for me right now is to live it - without apology.

Inspired by: Allergic - Miss Kittin

Analogies 02.26.2005

At last, the staples are out. The funny thing was, when I was told in the Emergency Room that they were going to staple my head, I envisioned that the aforementioned staples to be used were a medical version of the common household staple. However, the illusion was shattered when I looked over at the table in the doctor's office yesterday after their removal and saw what appeared to be the same kind of metal staples that I staple into documents at work on a daily basis. EGADS. I look back at that with a smile on my face.

Another funny thing that happened after the appointment was the woman in the passenger's side of a hospital service truck. This woman sees me, says something to the driver, turns her head back in my direction, rolling down the window, and says, "Has anyone told you that you look like Brad Pitt?" I was flabbergasted. "No. Thank you," I said. I was grinning with shocked excitement at this compliment. I was flattered. Sure beats having someone tell you that you look like Christian Slater or Chris Kattan. No offense at all to the well-meaning friends who have made those observations, but in the case of the Christian Slater reference, I HATED him at the time. Hence, I was not too amused. On the plus side, another person said I looked like Radiohead's Thom Yorke. That was flattering, too, since I think he's hot.

Playlist associated with the creation of this entry:

Bavarian Gigolo Night DJ Mix set - DJ Hell

Staple removal and other random musings...

I await with eager anticipation (with a slight case of nervousness) the removal of the staples from my head tomorrow morning. Accessing the pros and cons, here is how I see the situation:

Pro - Since these staples itch, the removal spells relief.
Con - Will it hurt? I am wimpy when it comes to pain.
Pro - I don't have to go to work until Noon.
Con - I have to go to work at noon on a sunny day during a really nice week.
Pro - The removal means that I am healing.
Con - The ensuing paranoia and slight panic that there I might not be healing.

Either way, relief is the number one benefit.

* * * *

I am so fucking sick and tired of the Pope's stupid, asinine rhetoric against the gay community and gay marriage. Now, gay marriage is viewed as part of the "ideology of evil." Give me a fucking break. I have a Zero Tolerance policy for stupidity and ignorance.

* * * *

Last night, I got caught up in the hoopla over Project Runway. I was surprised to see Parker Posey as a judge on the final Fashion Show. I heart Parker Posey. This was the first time that I watched this show. The seemingly never-ending bickering between two of the finalists was really petty to me. They were bickering over petty, stupid things and it gets tiring after a while to hear the pettiness. But, the final Fashion Show was fun to watch. I wanted Kara to win, but Jay won. His designs were too outlandish and space age to me, but I will give him an A+ for originality. I can just see it now - the next COJO. God forbid we have another COJO on our hands.

* * * *

$29 and some change left, but $20 to go towards tomorrow's co-pay. Gee, that is something I thought I'd never ever have again, a co-pay. Need to start looking for an alternative source of income. I am tired of being piss-poor all the damn time. The lunch hour stroll into Banana Republic did not help matters.

Playlist associated with the creation of this entry:

Another Fine Mess (CD mix) - FC Kahuna
Felt Mountain - Goldfrapp
Zaubergberg - Gas

Scenes are for Fucktards - Part 2

Okay, the real reason why I conceived this idea for a blog entry:

Why the hell I went off on the "gay scene," I have no idea.

My friend in Minneapolis, Alex, created a Yahoo Group called MSPESP for the purpose of trying to create a network of musicians into electronic, ebm, and industrial music. That is how I met him. It was cool meeting another member of the gay community with similar interests in music. I remember the frustration he had with trying to create monthly meetings for people to come together and share ideas as to how to jump-start the "scene" in Minneapolis. When people did not show up for meetings, he decided to take a hiatus from having meetings. Well, then, people started to complain about how no one was doing anything. Well, duh!!!

When I left Minneapolis, I was getting the impression that things were getting busier and people were starting to put shows together and actually doing things. However, I found out today from a mutual friend and another member of the MSPESP group that Alex pulled the plug on it. The reason: some dumbass fucktard (Charles, to be exact, who is in some stupid ass band I never even heard of) on another Yahoo Group decided to personally attack Alex, claiming that he handled the group poorly and that his music sucked. Purely childish in my book. If you are going to insult someone who busted his ass, trying to build this network, at least have the fucking balls to do it to your face. The worst part about the whole thing was that other musicians in the area that allegedly were a part of the MSPESP group, did not even stand up and defend Alex. It is pure bullshit.

In my book, the "scene" in Minneapolis is bullshit, compared to other cities. For example, Endless Blue, their schtick is just plain tired. There are enough ethereal electro pop bands out there that all sound the same. Last summer, I saw them at Gay Pride in Minneapolis and they had, what, 10, maybe 15 people there at the most. They covered Glory Box by Portishead. I liked it at the time, but when I think back to it now, they did absolutely nothing to it. It's like they rehearsed with the sheet music in front of them about one week before the performance and left it at that. (Geez, this post is coming off sounding snooty. That is not how I normally am.) I carry no allusions as to who I am. I don't believe that I am better than everyone else. I am not necessarily saying that I could do better. But, I feel bad for Alex, since he made a huge effort to get the thing running, but people complained (if they even did anything) rather than making an effort to ignite things.

That is the problem with the "scene" as a concept. It does nothing but exclude people that choose to defy the typical confines of the stereotypical definitions associated with the subject of the "scene." Unfortunately, honest people put way too much effort to putting a scene together. Besides, I have way more respect for those who are try to be themselves. I like music that is associated with the "goth scene," "EBM scene," and/or the "Industrial scene," or whatever you call it. However, I don't really care for a lot of people that comprise the scenes attached to the music because it's clique-y, just like everything else. If you don't have the look, or if you are not "goth" enough, forget it. You are stuck on the outside. Besides, who wants to relive the pettiness of high school clique culture in our 30's and 40's, anyway. That is one of the reasons why we graduate.

Playlist associated with the creation of this blog:
Welt Tour - Acid Maria and Electric Indigo

Terrorism

At last, I have reached the end of the toughest week of my life. I've recounted the events of this last Tuesday at least, what, 500 or 600 times now, it seems like. I have not been able to forget about it. I have flashbacks of the gun blows to the head at this moment in time. I dare not pull out my cell phone in front of anyone. I think back to the Yoplait yogurt, the wheat bread, and LCD Soundsystem poster scattered about the street afterwards. I remember the bloody towel covering my head while I await the police, the ambulance, and the fire truck. I've even chuckled to myself at the thought of the woman who called 911 for me filtering her cordless phone to me through the torn screen attached to her window. It seems absurd, especially since the area near my home is not necessarily the kind of place you'd ideally like to call home.

Right now, we are living in angry times. We are all angry at one another. It's becoming an all-too-true fact of life that I'm growing uneasy with. There is a hell of a lot hostility in this world today. It's become nauseating for me to watch. Terrorism impacts every one of us in one way or another. Terrorism can come from external sources, but also internalizes within many of us.

I have been frustrated with my life on and off for a really long time now. Suicide had been contemplated on a few occasions. But, after this past Tuesday's assault, I am (11,000 percent) grateful that I am alive to write these words in this blog right at this moment. I truly believe that God was looking over me that night. My continued existence is a testimony to the incorrectness of what the Christians would like people to believe. I truly believe that God loves me, as me, in this present skin. Suicide is no longer on the table. PERIOD. I have too much left to accomplish before I leave this world.

Those punk ass bitches walked away with only two things, DNA and a banged-up, completely useless cell phone. That is all. I am completely convinced of that. They did not take away anything else from me. They have not won. They have lost. They are losers in this battle as far as I am concerned. I have to remind myself of that. If I don't believe that, then they have won. The truth is, they lost. I may have been harmed, but I am not a victim. Life continues on. I will not be terrorized. There is no other option.

Scenes are for Fucktards - Part 1

There is the "gay scene." There is the "goth scene". There is the "leather scene." There is the "2(x)=10 scene." Name anything that you might be interested in, whether it be sports, games, genres of music, what have you. There is more than likely a "scene" devoted to the subject. The "scene" as a concept has been the source of discussion and (sometimes) outrage, depending on who you are talking to.

Guys who create ads on online dating services like to acknowledge in their profiles the fact that they are not into the gay "scene." I have been aware for as long as I have been out of the closet (and probably even before I came out) that there is this thing called the "gay scene." But, what exactly is this concept known as the "scene" really about? Why is this concept viewed with such negativity for some people? Could it be because it pigeonholes people into a certain category when sometimes things defy categorization? Could it be because it isolates individuals who do fall into the descriptive confines of those who partake in a given "scene"?

I do not fit into this concept known as the "gay scene." I've never been a scenester. I've observed members of this gay "scene," and have seen that I just simply do not fit in. My interests are different than most members of the "gay scene." I don't inhabit the gay bars 4 to 7 days of the week. Fuck, I don't even own a damn Cher album. Ooops, maybe I am stereotyping here. But, from what I can tell of the "scene," if you don't fit a certain look, you are more often than not excluded from infiltrating the "scene."

My favorite place to go have a beer at is The Eagle here in Seattle. I do not like to run around in my tighty whiteys (I prefer black boxer briefs anyway) in public. I don't care to piss into a Mason Jar and then hand it off to Leather Daddy Charlie standing next to me. I don't own any leather in my wardrobe, nor do I wear military uniforms. Don't get me wrong, I like the look of military uniforms on younger, buff men and leather on a really hot older man. Anyway, I enjoy having a drink at The Eagle because I find that the people are friendlier and the music is a lot better. They have been even trying to incorporate different music themes into their regular repertoire. But, lately, I've been feeling more and more isolated from other Eagle-ites. It has been becoming more and more like its own "scene." Again, because I do not necessary partake in yellow hanky night nor do I dress in leather or military, I sometimes feel excluded. I never had this problem before. If I ever felt that way, I've been able to brush it off.

But, I digress. At least, I still think the Eagle is far superior to the other gay bars in Seattle anyway. I go for the music and the beer. There is nothing wrong with that. Part of my deal in general is that I need to be more outgoing. Regardless of where I hang out at, I need to smile more and chat more. That might be the solution.

Interestingly enough, I was not looking to write about the "gay scene." So, I don't have a clue as to why I went off on that tangent. Lest, I continue.

I think that a community like the GLBT community really needs to be more respectful of the diversity of its members. As we face increased scrutiny because of gay marriage and of Bush's desire to be a fucktard, we need to stick together and fight for each other and our civil rights. We have come too far in GLBT rights to just let it all fall apart. We need to be indivisible. We just have too. We need an all-inclusive community, not an exclusive "scene." That is what it will take for our community to survive in this day and age.

Reflecting on this past week

When I asked my co-worker Glory what time it was, and she said that it was 4:50, a huge burst of excitement flowed through me. Ten minutes left of this hellish week to go before I am free. Ahhh....relief. A light at the end of the tunnel shines. Work was kinda crazy as I continue to adjust into a larger work load with less time to accomplish it in. Fridays are supposed to be a backlog day where we catch up on, well, of course, backlogged work. You would think that this would mean that people will allow me the opportunity to catch my breath. No, it was not going to happen. A sudden panic attack from an attorney surfaced, and was quelled within the course of my hour-long lunch break (which I religiously partake in). After reading the flood of e-mails on the matter, I just became frazzled. UGH. In the end, the frazzled state of mind proved to be overblown. Once again, the "Mr. Melodramatic" facet of my personsality reared his ugly head.

Well, anyway, I survived the work week (with very little money - the switch from weekly paychecks of the temp-world to 15th and last day of the month paydays of the real-world - UGH again). The arrival of 4:50 provided me with a glimmer of hope that I will make it out alive.

So, I thought that I would treat myself to a mellow evening where the "lazy ass" facet of my personality can dominate my time. I made a frozen pizza from Red Baron and perused the Internet. The Internet is a wonderful place to peruse, but it is also a hellish place to be, depending on the situation. My blood always starts to boil whenever I come to a page devoted to Right-Wingers "Talking Out of their Asses" Points or the delusional, devoid concept known as the Ex-Gay. This is the region of the Internet where gay adoption, gay marriage, eating fruity cereal vs. Cocoa Puffs, "wardrobe malfunctions" and cartoon characters partaking in "radical lifestyles" are actions that are threatening the fabric of the American family. The shit that flies from the mouths of Ann Coultier, James Dobson, Pat Robertson, Karl Rove, Schrub, Oregon's own Lon Mabon, and the rest of that ilk never ceases to amaze me. Hence, the blood begins to boil.

As an American, I am outraged, angry, frustrated, disappointed with, and worried about the state of our nation right now. Worse yet, this rhetorical bullshit is continually perpetuated by the media, what have you...The priorities of our President, Mr. Fucktard, is ludicrous. Here we are, spending Billions on a war with a country that apparently never really had any WMD, while another, North Korea, is shrugged off by the U.S.

I am outraged by the woman who lied to police, claiming that she saw a couple arguing in their car, and threw their few day-old baby out the window, which turned out to be a lie. She simply did not want this child so she made up this story, invented when she happened to see another couple fighting in the street. Yet, allowing loving couples (who by default are gay or lesbian) is viewed as such a horrible thing??? Did I say that this is ludicrous? The thought of wondering how many children would still be alive if it weren't for the fact that they were returned to a violent and hostile family environment (by various state-run Health and Family Services agencies, even when they have been repeatedly been warned about these horrible conditions) just makes me sick.

Like I said, I am frustrated and angry with the state of our nation. These feelings have numbed my brain. I am worn out and flatlining mentally. I have an idea - Build myself a decompression chamber. Another idea - badly-needed physical and mental makeover. Is there such a thing as a mental makeover? Hmmmm....maybe in the future. More on that later.

I have a jumbled mess of thoughts running through my head that I need time to sort it all out. I have been contemplating seeing a counselor for a long time, but have been slightly afraid of confronting some of these frustrations. But, I gotta address these issues, face to face.

On the bright side of things, Moby, or Lil' Mobes as I like to affectionately call him, recently launched a new site devoted to his new album, Hotel. You can register and are given a room number in the "Virtual Hotel" and you get exclusive stuff like the new video and backgrounds/screensavers. Fun to be had at the Moby Hotel.

Playlist associated with the creation of this blog:
We Float, P.J. Harvey
Tracks from Uh Huh Her, P.J. Harvey
Inside All The People (Deep Dish Remix), Planet Funk
Ask Yourself, Plastikman

SUCCESS!!

Computer technical talk always frustrates the hell out of me. When I read various sites to figure how things like RSS feeds, HTML code, etc., the wording is always in "techie talk," which makes absolutely no sense to me. Sometimes, I don't mind having things dumbed down for me. I have never been a technically knowledgeable person so I've learned to live with it. However, with a little (well, more like a lot) trial and error, I figured out how to add links and also create RSS feed for my blog. Frustration has alleviated....for now.

Current Listening - February 2005

Soulwax - Radio Soulwax Essential Mix from BBC Radio One
Antony and the Johnson - I Am A Bird Now
Nurse With Wound - Shipwreck Radio Volume One
PJ Harvey - Uh Huh Her
Laibach - Anthems
Low - The Great Destroyer
Kompakt 100 Compilation
The Soft Pink Truth - Do You Want New Wave...
Jarboe - Anhedoniac/Mystery of Faith (reissues)
Magnog - More Weather
The Dead Texan - Self-titled
Larsen - Play

Aside note: I just read that Curve called it quits. That is sad to hear, for they have been one of my favorite bands for a really long time. I was excited when they got back together a few years back. Now, I miss them again.

i fell in love with antony and the johnsons

diamanda galas mentioned that she likes them. michael gira has name-checked them. david tibet (or, is it david michael?) tours with them. however, i have been late to the phenomena known as antony-and-the-johnsons-mania. in recent months, i hesitated in purchasing the re-issue of their first album. i've been intrigued about their cover of julee cruise and the "i fell in love with a dead boy" single. unfortunately, i did not take the bait, until wednesday. sonic boom records' advertising in the stranger prompted me to tredge up Capitol Hill to get the CD, since it was on sale. well, low and behold, i am hooked (this time, i will not attempt a cheezy cliche). antony's voice is beyond angelic. he has a beautiful voice - a cross between a slightly more throaty version of nick drake and alison moyet. boy george, lou reed, and rufus wainwright have guest appearances. i will definitely be listening to this on repeat for a long time to come.

Why are Internet Connections always slow?

Having my laptop now for close to a month, I still yet to find a coffeeshop here in Seattle where I have a fast connection. Bauhaus, my favorite coffeeshop in Seattle, has a really slow connection. CapHill Internet Cafe's connection always cuts out. Online Coffee, on the other hand, has thus far been my best bet, even though, it can slow down at times. Maybe it is my computer, and the fact that I do not have enough RAM. Maybe, it is operator error. That is definitely a possibility. I mean, look at who the operator is!!! LOL. Another possibility is that the connection best functions when (x) number of people connect at the same time.

So, now, tonight, I am at Victrola, a place that I've recently read about, but up until just a couple days ago, I finally lugged my lazy ass up the hill in Capitol Hill to 15th Avenue. That was a wise choice. My incentive: the new Antony and the Johnsons cd was on sale at Sonic Boom, another place that I have been meaning to check out. More on Antony later. I am so in love with that CD! Anyway (I sure have been using that damn word a lot - how Pet Shop Boys-ian of me), Victrola's connection is definitely better than Bauhaus, but still slower than I'd like.

So, the question is, where is the best wireless internet connection in Seattle? Inquiring Mind here seeks answer to this pressing question.