disciplinarian actions

RELOCATION

2005-04-02T15:22:00.000-08:00

As of right now, the Disciplinarian Actions has moved to a new site:

Disciplinarian Actions

Selected archives to be added periodically from past blogs: Blogger, Live Journal, and Myspace. Keep checking back often. Cheers.

WordPress and Suze Orman

2005-03-19T15:57:00.000-08:00

Since I am not completely in the mood to devise a focused discussion on one particular topic of interest, today, I am going to write randomly on multiple topics. Why? Because this is my blog and that is what I want to do. LOL

Here we go.

- I am making plans to move this blog over to Word Press here in the near future. I did purchase a web domain and storage space through this web hosting service (Blue Valve), but I've been having unsatisfactory support from them. I've sent several e-mails with problems I have been having, in which only ONE of them has gone answered. I would not recommend this web host to anyone. So, I think that I will try 1 & 1 Internet, upon the recommendation of Moby from the Gay Bloggers tribe. Here's a shout-out to you, Moby!! Once I get the domain/web host issue resolved, the blog remodel will commence.

- After some hesitation due to the recent attack, I need to go out tonight. Tonight, Smash TV of Bpitch Control are at Rebar, fulfilling my need to dance to some good electro music. Now, if I could only see Ellen Allien DJ now!

- Let's for a second crunch the following numbers:

My age: 32
My annual income: $25,300 (approx.)
Money to my name (as of 03/19/05): $245 (approx.)
Debts and bills unpaid (Non-student loans): $5,000 (I think)
Student loans outstanding (under current payback rates): $25,000 (approx.)

What does all this translate to? Honestly, I am not Suze Orman, but in my mind, I am making WAY less that what I am worth. I have a Paralegal degree (thus far, USELESS). Money has always been a sore subject with me. Money is the spawn of the devil. That being said, I still want to make A LOT more. I like where I work, but I want more challenging work than simply cleaning the messes of others. Seriously...

- Speaking of Suze Orman, I like her. She honestly gives ordinary folks like me and you no nonsense financial advice in a non-judgmental tone of voice. She wrote a new book for the Young, Fabulous, and Broke! That is me. Hee hee! Seriously, I have a lot of respect for this woman. Suze, if you are out there, HELP ME!!!

- SIX MONTHS MINUS ONE DAY to DEAD CAN DANCE SHOW!!!

- I don't understand. How on earth can a person be denied a proper funeral. How low do you have to be to do something like that! Talk about the LOWEST of the lowest common denominator of human life.

- That is all for now.

Current Listening - March 2005

2005-03-19T15:14:00.000-08:00

Fear and Loathing 2 Decks and Data Mix Luke Slater
School of the Flower Six Organs of Admittance
Self-titled LCD Soundsystem
I Am A Bird Now Antony and the Johnsons
Capsule: The Best of KOD 1988-94 Kitchens of Distinction
I LOVE TECHNO set Miss Kittin
Angels of Light Sing "Other People" Angels of Light
A Few Steps More Monade
Golden Ocean 50 Ft. Wave
Touch Michael Mayer
Unnatural History Vol. 1, 2, 3 Coil

**The countdown is 3 days to Hotel Moby**

Not Quite Feeling Up to Par

2005-03-13T22:46:00.000-08:00

I am now recovering from being sick over this weekend. I ate something I should not have. Why? Because I am a dork….maybe. With this in mind, I am not totally in the mood to write anything of significance tonight on this blog. Please bear with me. I hope to be in full blogging mood in the next couple days, once I feel like I can start digesting food properly again.

It's that time of the season for......TOO MANY CONCERTS to try and see

2005-03-02T22:05:00.000-08:00

The onslaught of eagerly anticipated shows is only just beginning. Let me see if I can keep track of them all:

Michael Mayer (Kompakt DJ) - March 7
Smash TV - March 19
Low/Pedro The Lion - March 25
Garbage - April 8
Felix da Housecat (DJ) - April 8
Seattle Erotic Arts Festival - April 15-17 (fellow Tribe member Drub will have his work there)
Antony and the Johnsons - April 22 and 23
Angels of Light - April 26 (Portland) and 27 (Seattle)
Gang of Four - May 6
Monade (Stereolab lead singer Laetitia Sadier's side project) - May 9
Autechre - May 18

Whoooeee....so much going on in the next three months!!! Gotta save those pounds, shillings, and pence...hee hee.

Sun

2005-02-26T14:02:00.000-08:00

The sun is out right now. This makes me happy. Pure and simple. Just the way I like it. After last week's ordeal, I gained a renewed appreciation for the simple things in life. Life is lived only once (unless reincarnation is for real) so the best thing for me right now is to live it - without apology.

Inspired by: Allergic - Miss Kittin

Analogies 02.26.2005

2005-02-26T11:45:00.000-08:00

At last, the staples are out. The funny thing was, when I was told in the Emergency Room that they were going to staple my head, I envisioned that the aforementioned staples to be used were a medical version of the common household staple. However, the illusion was shattered when I looked over at the table in the doctor's office yesterday after their removal and saw what appeared to be the same kind of metal staples that I staple into documents at work on a daily basis. EGADS. I look back at that with a smile on my face.

Another funny thing that happened after the appointment was the woman in the passenger's side of a hospital service truck. This woman sees me, says something to the driver, turns her head back in my direction, rolling down the window, and says, "Has anyone told you that you look like Brad Pitt?" I was flabbergasted. "No. Thank you," I said. I was grinning with shocked excitement at this compliment. I was flattered. Sure beats having someone tell you that you look like Christian Slater or Chris Kattan. No offense at all to the well-meaning friends who have made those observations, but in the case of the Christian Slater reference, I HATED him at the time. Hence, I was not too amused. On the plus side, another person said I looked like Radiohead's Thom Yorke. That was flattering, too, since I think he's hot.

Playlist associated with the creation of this entry:

Bavarian Gigolo Night DJ Mix set - DJ Hell

Staple removal and other random musings...

2005-02-24T18:30:00.000-08:00

I await with eager anticipation (with a slight case of nervousness) the removal of the staples from my head tomorrow morning. Accessing the pros and cons, here is how I see the situation:

Pro - Since these staples itch, the removal spells relief.
Con - Will it hurt? I am wimpy when it comes to pain.
Pro - I don't have to go to work until Noon.
Con - I have to go to work at noon on a sunny day during a really nice week.
Pro - The removal means that I am healing.
Con - The ensuing paranoia and slight panic that there I might not be healing.

Either way, relief is the number one benefit.

* * * *

I am so fucking sick and tired of the Pope's stupid, asinine rhetoric against the gay community and gay marriage. Now, gay marriage is viewed as part of the "ideology of evil." Give me a fucking break. I have a Zero Tolerance policy for stupidity and ignorance.

* * * *

Last night, I got caught up in the hoopla over Project Runway. I was surprised to see Parker Posey as a judge on the final Fashion Show. I heart Parker Posey. This was the first time that I watched this show. The seemingly never-ending bickering between two of the finalists was really petty to me. They were bickering over petty, stupid things and it gets tiring after a while to hear the pettiness. But, the final Fashion Show was fun to watch. I wanted Kara to win, but Jay won. His designs were too outlandish and space age to me, but I will give him an A+ for originality. I can just see it now - the next COJO. God forbid we have another COJO on our hands.

* * * *

$29 and some change left, but $20 to go towards tomorrow's co-pay. Gee, that is something I thought I'd never ever have again, a co-pay. Need to start looking for an alternative source of income. I am tired of being piss-poor all the damn time. The lunch hour stroll into Banana Republic did not help matters.

Playlist associated with the creation of this entry:

Another Fine Mess (CD mix) - FC Kahuna
Felt Mountain - Goldfrapp
Zaubergberg - Gas

Scenes are for Fucktards - Part 2

2005-02-19T21:22:00.000-08:00

Okay, the real reason why I conceived this idea for a blog entry:

Why the hell I went off on the "gay scene," I have no idea.

My friend in Minneapolis, Alex, created a Yahoo Group called MSPESP for the purpose of trying to create a network of musicians into electronic, ebm, and industrial music. That is how I met him. It was cool meeting another member of the gay community with similar interests in music. I remember the frustration he had with trying to create monthly meetings for people to come together and share ideas as to how to jump-start the "scene" in Minneapolis. When people did not show up for meetings, he decided to take a hiatus from having meetings. Well, then, people started to complain about how no one was doing anything. Well, duh!!!

When I left Minneapolis, I was getting the impression that things were getting busier and people were starting to put shows together and actually doing things. However, I found out today from a mutual friend and another member of the MSPESP group that Alex pulled the plug on it. The reason: some dumbass fucktard (Charles, to be exact, who is in some stupid ass band I never even heard of) on another Yahoo Group decided to personally attack Alex, claiming that he handled the group poorly and that his music sucked. Purely childish in my book. If you are going to insult someone who busted his ass, trying to build this network, at least have the fucking balls to do it to your face. The worst part about the whole thing was that other musicians in the area that allegedly were a part of the MSPESP group, did not even stand up and defend Alex. It is pure bullshit.

In my book, the "scene" in Minneapolis is bullshit, compared to other cities. For example, Endless Blue, their schtick is just plain tired. There are enough ethereal electro pop bands out there that all sound the same. Last summer, I saw them at Gay Pride in Minneapolis and they had, what, 10, maybe 15 people there at the most. They covered Glory Box by Portishead. I liked it at the time, but when I think back to it now, they did absolutely nothing to it. It's like they rehearsed with the sheet music in front of them about one week before the performance and left it at that. (Geez, this post is coming off sounding snooty. That is not how I normally am.) I carry no allusions as to who I am. I don't believe that I am better than everyone else. I am not necessarily saying that I could do better. But, I feel bad for Alex, since he made a huge effort to get the thing running, but people complained (if they even did anything) rather than making an effort to ignite things.

That is the problem with the "scene" as a concept. It does nothing but exclude people that choose to defy the typical confines of the stereotypical definitions associated with the subject of the "scene." Unfortunately, honest people put way too much effort to putting a scene together. Besides, I have way more respect for those who are try to be themselves. I like music that is associated with the "goth scene," "EBM scene," and/or the "Industrial scene," or whatever you call it. However, I don't really care for a lot of people that comprise the scenes attached to the music because it's clique-y, just like everything else. If you don't have the look, or if you are not "goth" enough, forget it. You are stuck on the outside. Besides, who wants to relive the pettiness of high school clique culture in our 30's and 40's, anyway. That is one of the reasons why we graduate.

Playlist associated with the creation of this blog:
Welt Tour - Acid Maria and Electric Indigo

Terrorism

2005-02-19T20:30:00.000-08:00

At last, I have reached the end of the toughest week of my life. I've recounted the events of this last Tuesday at least, what, 500 or 600 times now, it seems like. I have not been able to forget about it. I have flashbacks of the gun blows to the head at this moment in time. I dare not pull out my cell phone in front of anyone. I think back to the Yoplait yogurt, the wheat bread, and LCD Soundsystem poster scattered about the street afterwards. I remember the bloody towel covering my head while I await the police, the ambulance, and the fire truck. I've even chuckled to myself at the thought of the woman who called 911 for me filtering her cordless phone to me through the torn screen attached to her window. It seems absurd, especially since the area near my home is not necessarily the kind of place you'd ideally like to call home.

Right now, we are living in angry times. We are all angry at one another. It's becoming an all-too-true fact of life that I'm growing uneasy with. There is a hell of a lot hostility in this world today. It's become nauseating for me to watch. Terrorism impacts every one of us in one way or another. Terrorism can come from external sources, but also internalizes within many of us.

I have been frustrated with my life on and off for a really long time now. Suicide had been contemplated on a few occasions. But, after this past Tuesday's assault, I am (11,000 percent) grateful that I am alive to write these words in this blog right at this moment. I truly believe that God was looking over me that night. My continued existence is a testimony to the incorrectness of what the Christians would like people to believe. I truly believe that God loves me, as me, in this present skin. Suicide is no longer on the table. PERIOD. I have too much left to accomplish before I leave this world.

Those punk ass bitches walked away with only two things, DNA and a banged-up, completely useless cell phone. That is all. I am completely convinced of that. They did not take away anything else from me. They have not won. They have lost. They are losers in this battle as far as I am concerned. I have to remind myself of that. If I don't believe that, then they have won. The truth is, they lost. I may have been harmed, but I am not a victim. Life continues on. I will not be terrorized. There is no other option.

Scenes are for Fucktards - Part 1

2005-02-19T20:01:00.000-08:00

There is the "gay scene." There is the "goth scene". There is the "leather scene." There is the "2(x)=10 scene." Name anything that you might be interested in, whether it be sports, games, genres of music, what have you. There is more than likely a "scene" devoted to the subject. The "scene" as a concept has been the source of discussion and (sometimes) outrage, depending on who you are talking to.

Guys who create ads on online dating services like to acknowledge in their profiles the fact that they are not into the gay "scene." I have been aware for as long as I have been out of the closet (and probably even before I came out) that there is this thing called the "gay scene." But, what exactly is this concept known as the "scene" really about? Why is this concept viewed with such negativity for some people? Could it be because it pigeonholes people into a certain category when sometimes things defy categorization? Could it be because it isolates individuals who do fall into the descriptive confines of those who partake in a given "scene"?

I do not fit into this concept known as the "gay scene." I've never been a scenester. I've observed members of this gay "scene," and have seen that I just simply do not fit in. My interests are different than most members of the "gay scene." I don't inhabit the gay bars 4 to 7 days of the week. Fuck, I don't even own a damn Cher album. Ooops, maybe I am stereotyping here. But, from what I can tell of the "scene," if you don't fit a certain look, you are more often than not excluded from infiltrating the "scene."

My favorite place to go have a beer at is The Eagle here in Seattle. I do not like to run around in my tighty whiteys (I prefer black boxer briefs anyway) in public. I don't care to piss into a Mason Jar and then hand it off to Leather Daddy Charlie standing next to me. I don't own any leather in my wardrobe, nor do I wear military uniforms. Don't get me wrong, I like the look of military uniforms on younger, buff men and leather on a really hot older man. Anyway, I enjoy having a drink at The Eagle because I find that the people are friendlier and the music is a lot better. They have been even trying to incorporate different music themes into their regular repertoire. But, lately, I've been feeling more and more isolated from other Eagle-ites. It has been becoming more and more like its own "scene." Again, because I do not necessary partake in yellow hanky night nor do I dress in leather or military, I sometimes feel excluded. I never had this problem before. If I ever felt that way, I've been able to brush it off.

But, I digress. At least, I still think the Eagle is far superior to the other gay bars in Seattle anyway. I go for the music and the beer. There is nothing wrong with that. Part of my deal in general is that I need to be more outgoing. Regardless of where I hang out at, I need to smile more and chat more. That might be the solution.

Interestingly enough, I was not looking to write about the "gay scene." So, I don't have a clue as to why I went off on that tangent. Lest, I continue.

I think that a community like the GLBT community really needs to be more respectful of the diversity of its members. As we face increased scrutiny because of gay marriage and of Bush's desire to be a fucktard, we need to stick together and fight for each other and our civil rights. We have come too far in GLBT rights to just let it all fall apart. We need to be indivisible. We just have too. We need an all-inclusive community, not an exclusive "scene." That is what it will take for our community to survive in this day and age.

Reflecting on this past week

2005-02-12T00:04:00.000-08:00

When I asked my co-worker Glory what time it was, and she said that it was 4:50, a huge burst of excitement flowed through me. Ten minutes left of this hellish week to go before I am free. Ahhh....relief. A light at the end of the tunnel shines. Work was kinda crazy as I continue to adjust into a larger work load with less time to accomplish it in. Fridays are supposed to be a backlog day where we catch up on, well, of course, backlogged work. You would think that this would mean that people will allow me the opportunity to catch my breath. No, it was not going to happen. A sudden panic attack from an attorney surfaced, and was quelled within the course of my hour-long lunch break (which I religiously partake in). After reading the flood of e-mails on the matter, I just became frazzled. UGH. In the end, the frazzled state of mind proved to be overblown. Once again, the "Mr. Melodramatic" facet of my personsality reared his ugly head.

Well, anyway, I survived the work week (with very little money - the switch from weekly paychecks of the temp-world to 15th and last day of the month paydays of the real-world - UGH again). The arrival of 4:50 provided me with a glimmer of hope that I will make it out alive.

So, I thought that I would treat myself to a mellow evening where the "lazy ass" facet of my personality can dominate my time. I made a frozen pizza from Red Baron and perused the Internet. The Internet is a wonderful place to peruse, but it is also a hellish place to be, depending on the situation. My blood always starts to boil whenever I come to a page devoted to Right-Wingers "Talking Out of their Asses" Points or the delusional, devoid concept known as the Ex-Gay. This is the region of the Internet where gay adoption, gay marriage, eating fruity cereal vs. Cocoa Puffs, "wardrobe malfunctions" and cartoon characters partaking in "radical lifestyles" are actions that are threatening the fabric of the American family. The shit that flies from the mouths of Ann Coultier, James Dobson, Pat Robertson, Karl Rove, Schrub, Oregon's own Lon Mabon, and the rest of that ilk never ceases to amaze me. Hence, the blood begins to boil.

As an American, I am outraged, angry, frustrated, disappointed with, and worried about the state of our nation right now. Worse yet, this rhetorical bullshit is continually perpetuated by the media, what have you...The priorities of our President, Mr. Fucktard, is ludicrous. Here we are, spending Billions on a war with a country that apparently never really had any WMD, while another, North Korea, is shrugged off by the U.S.

I am outraged by the woman who lied to police, claiming that she saw a couple arguing in their car, and threw their few day-old baby out the window, which turned out to be a lie. She simply did not want this child so she made up this story, invented when she happened to see another couple fighting in the street. Yet, allowing loving couples (who by default are gay or lesbian) is viewed as such a horrible thing??? Did I say that this is ludicrous? The thought of wondering how many children would still be alive if it weren't for the fact that they were returned to a violent and hostile family environment (by various state-run Health and Family Services agencies, even when they have been repeatedly been warned about these horrible conditions) just makes me sick.

Like I said, I am frustrated and angry with the state of our nation. These feelings have numbed my brain. I am worn out and flatlining mentally. I have an idea - Build myself a decompression chamber. Another idea - badly-needed physical and mental makeover. Is there such a thing as a mental makeover? Hmmmm....maybe in the future. More on that later.

I have a jumbled mess of thoughts running through my head that I need time to sort it all out. I have been contemplating seeing a counselor for a long time, but have been slightly afraid of confronting some of these frustrations. But, I gotta address these issues, face to face.

On the bright side of things, Moby, or Lil' Mobes as I like to affectionately call him, recently launched a new site devoted to his new album, Hotel. You can register and are given a room number in the "Virtual Hotel" and you get exclusive stuff like the new video and backgrounds/screensavers. Fun to be had at the Moby Hotel.

Playlist associated with the creation of this blog:
We Float, P.J. Harvey
Tracks from Uh Huh Her, P.J. Harvey
Inside All The People (Deep Dish Remix), Planet Funk
Ask Yourself, Plastikman

SUCCESS!!

2005-02-10T01:39:00.000-08:00

Computer technical talk always frustrates the hell out of me. When I read various sites to figure how things like RSS feeds, HTML code, etc., the wording is always in "techie talk," which makes absolutely no sense to me. Sometimes, I don't mind having things dumbed down for me. I have never been a technically knowledgeable person so I've learned to live with it. However, with a little (well, more like a lot) trial and error, I figured out how to add links and also create RSS feed for my blog. Frustration has alleviated....for now.

Current Listening - February 2005

2005-02-04T21:15:00.000-08:00

Soulwax - Radio Soulwax Essential Mix from BBC Radio One
Antony and the Johnson - I Am A Bird Now
Nurse With Wound - Shipwreck Radio Volume One
PJ Harvey - Uh Huh Her
Laibach - Anthems
Low - The Great Destroyer
Kompakt 100 Compilation
The Soft Pink Truth - Do You Want New Wave...
Jarboe - Anhedoniac/Mystery of Faith (reissues)
Magnog - More Weather
The Dead Texan - Self-titled
Larsen - Play

Aside note: I just read that Curve called it quits. That is sad to hear, for they have been one of my favorite bands for a really long time. I was excited when they got back together a few years back. Now, I miss them again.

i fell in love with antony and the johnsons

2005-02-04T20:58:00.000-08:00

diamanda galas mentioned that she likes them. michael gira has name-checked them. david tibet (or, is it david michael?) tours with them. however, i have been late to the phenomena known as antony-and-the-johnsons-mania. in recent months, i hesitated in purchasing the re-issue of their first album. i've been intrigued about their cover of julee cruise and the "i fell in love with a dead boy" single. unfortunately, i did not take the bait, until wednesday. sonic boom records' advertising in the stranger prompted me to tredge up Capitol Hill to get the CD, since it was on sale. well, low and behold, i am hooked (this time, i will not attempt a cheezy cliche). antony's voice is beyond angelic. he has a beautiful voice - a cross between a slightly more throaty version of nick drake and alison moyet. boy george, lou reed, and rufus wainwright have guest appearances. i will definitely be listening to this on repeat for a long time to come.

Why are Internet Connections always slow?

2005-02-04T19:55:00.000-08:00

Having my laptop now for close to a month, I still yet to find a coffeeshop here in Seattle where I have a fast connection. Bauhaus, my favorite coffeeshop in Seattle, has a really slow connection. CapHill Internet Cafe's connection always cuts out. Online Coffee, on the other hand, has thus far been my best bet, even though, it can slow down at times. Maybe it is my computer, and the fact that I do not have enough RAM. Maybe, it is operator error. That is definitely a possibility. I mean, look at who the operator is!!! LOL. Another possibility is that the connection best functions when (x) number of people connect at the same time.

So, now, tonight, I am at Victrola, a place that I've recently read about, but up until just a couple days ago, I finally lugged my lazy ass up the hill in Capitol Hill to 15th Avenue. That was a wise choice. My incentive: the new Antony and the Johnsons cd was on sale at Sonic Boom, another place that I have been meaning to check out. More on Antony later. I am so in love with that CD! Anyway (I sure have been using that damn word a lot - how Pet Shop Boys-ian of me), Victrola's connection is definitely better than Bauhaus, but still slower than I'd like.

So, the question is, where is the best wireless internet connection in Seattle? Inquiring Mind here seeks answer to this pressing question.

1.31.2005

2005-01-31T19:46:00.000-08:00

I was not sure what to title this post so I just used the date for now. Who knows? Something cool might pop up into my head when I least expect it. I hope. Anyway, last Friday came with the great news that I was hired at the law firm. I start on the payroll tomorrow. I was happy last Friday. It has been a while since I remember being happy on a given day. Permanancy in my life has always been elusive to me, but things are changing. My attitude could always use change as well. Hope is in the air. Now, I just have to attempt to afford the outrageously expensive utilities that have been driving me nuts.

The Great Destroyer

2005-01-25T18:42:00.000-08:00

Simply put, The Great Destroyer, the first record by Northern Minnesota's critical darlings, Low on Sub Pop, is, well......great. More feedback and heavier sound than I remember from the early days. That started with the albums that Steve Albini produced, particularly the last record, Trust. But, I like the direction that they are going in.

On the eve of the first day of my 32nd year

2005-01-25T18:32:00.000-08:00

Yesterday, I told Glory, one of the secretaries I file for at work, that I was not looking forward to tomorrow, my 32nd birthday. What is the big deal anyway? It is just another birthday, a day that is no different than the rest. Well, it is true. But, I realize that I truly need to get my hopes up. I was a nervous wreck at work today because I await the outcome of whether or not I will get hired on to this job. I like where I am working right now. I spent a lot of time and hardwork cleaning up the mess that the previous file clerk left (not that it was a HUGE mess, but there was some disarray.) The people I work with are great. My supervisor is great (I even have a crush on him, but I will not go there....at least until a later post.) So, with this nervous anticipation hovering over me, I hope that I get a great birthday present in the form of a permanent job. Even if I do not find out until Friday, that is okay.

Refresher Courses for Christians

2005-01-24T18:17:00.000-08:00

I recently came to a realization: Christians are stupid. But, is this really a surprise? No, not really. Do I think that ALL Christians are stupid? No, but when they decide to wage war on a cartoon character in the shape of a sponge, because they are tainting the world's children, they set themselves up for this characterization. The brouhaha over a video about TOLERANCE that is being made for children is ridiculous. I thought that the controversy over Tinky Winky from the Teletubbies a few years back was bad enough. I thought that these idiots could not go any lower. Guess what? They threw me a curve ball. Now, Spongebob Squarepants. I am flabbergasted at the insane stupidity of the Christian Right in their new attempt to censor the teaching of tolerance from our schools. For fuck sakes, get over yourselves.

Well, I think that I might have come up with a solution to cure Christians once and for all of the stupidity bug. Why not create a new school or recruitment program or something like that which can cater to those Christians who want to better themselves? Why not assist these helpless souls to see the light of reality. Maybe these courses could be offered by Discover U or something like that? The course syllabus is not finalized, but here are some ideas for classes:

Basic Courses:
Respect 101
Tolerance 101 - Prerequisite: Respect 101

Advanced courses:

"No, God does not have you phone number programmed in his cell phone, nor does he even carry one!" 301
Humanity and Dignity 302

Like I said, these ideas are merely stepping stones to start the ball rolling. Also, I think that if anyone gets anything less than 100 percent should be required to take the course over again. Heck, we can charge tuition and have that money go towards Tsunami Relief Efforts, AIDS Research, or something worthwhile. But, desperate times call for desperate measures in the fight for equality, respect, humanity, and dignity. Preaching hatred and encouraging internalized self-hatred and emotional/mental terrorism is not right. These people want to try and cure the GLBT community of their sexual preference. Well, I have a better idea. Let's create the Ex-"I am a self-righteous asshole who thinks everyone around him is evil" movement. This just might be the key to a more peaceful world.

Identity

2005-01-23T13:59:00.000-08:00

I have a lot on my mind this afternoon. In a poor attempt to sort this shit out, I find myself befuddled. Where to begin? Bear with me here:

I feel completely trapped in my life right now. I've been struggling to find my out of the dizzy maze that appears to be my life at the moment. Every attempt produced failure. Maybe all the negativity is sucking all the energy out of my brain or something. I strongly desire the negativity to leave my system so I can get on with it. I have too much left in my life to accomplish and so little time to produce results.

Identifying with the gay community is becoming more and more difficult for me. I've always had difficulty in this area, but I am quite bothered by it now more than I ever have before. The differences between my interests and those of everyone else are striking. You have to look no further than my music collection. Looking at it: Laibach, Coil, SWANS, Nurse With Wound, Windsor for the Derby, Neurosis, the list goes on and on..."I am surprised that there is something in your musical tastes that I actually like," quipped my housemate Kent the other day. This is funny, coming from Mr. "I like country, you know, like Martina McBride, Suzy Boggess (sic)..." His attempts at trying to get me to go to country night at the Timberline on Fridays have failed. I like hanging out with Kent, he's a great guy, but not enough to wanna start two-stepping lessons. "If you can't beat them, join them." Well, it's not about beating them, but I certainly don't want to join them at the country bar. So, is there a point I am trying to get at here? Yes! I just want to be myself, but, the problem is, being myself makes me feel more and more invisible. The key to the solution is finding a way to be myself, be open to other aspects of the community, and subtlely make others notice at the same time. The idea is to find some kind of balance.

Johnny Carson

2005-01-23T13:38:00.000-08:00

Late night television galvanizer, Johnny Carson, has passed away today. That was totally unexpected.

a computer to call my own

2005-01-17T18:42:00.000-08:00

Having this new laptop to call my own has been a great relief. For example, I was beginning to get tired of lugging around 15, 000 cds in my bookbag every single day, just to listen to 2 or 3 of them. What the hell was the point in that? Now, I can rip the music I listen to the most and not have to drag a bunch of cds with me. Now, the next thing that I need to acquire is an IPOD or some sort of MP3 player that I can take with me.

Marc Almond - Daily Mirror Interview

2005-01-15T22:51:00.000-08:00

Marc Almond has recently been interviewed by the Daily Mirror for the first time since his motorcycle accident:

http://www.mirror.co.uk/news/allnews/tm_objectid=15078396%26method=full%26siteid=50143%26headline=marc%2dalmond%2don%2dhis%2dhorror%2dcrash-name_page.html

Neurosis can kick Metallica's ass, take two

2005-01-15T14:30:00.000-08:00

Okay, this is take two of this entry. I am having connectivity issues with the Wireless Network that I am using here at CapHill Cafe. So, I lost my original entry because I did not save draft. UGGGHHHHH. Anyway, here goes:

Last night was my long-awaited first time seeing a Neurosis performance. Live, they are an amazing band. On record, they are an equally amazing band. I like to think of them as the "thinking man's Metallica." I'd even venture to say that Neurosis is better than Metallica. I would not necessarily call them hard rock, nor would I necessarily call them metal either. Yet, they are ferocious live. The second song in is my favorite of theirs, The Last We'll Know, from Times of Grace. They have an experimental project called Tribes of Neurot, which takes them to a whole new level of grace. [Here, I veered into a different direction from where I went the first time I typed this]. Plus, they had Jarboe join them for a few songs from the amazing Neurosis & Jarboe CD from 2003. I have admired Jarboe for a long time. Of course, after the show, I got the chance to play dorky fanboy by approaching her to say hi. I met her the summer of 2003, when she performed with Larsen (another great band). She remembered me from the SWANS list, which is cool. She acknowledged that some of her friends were turned away at the door of the show for some reason, including Bill Rieflin's wife. That was kinda weird. Overall, the night was great, although, I felt kinda cheesy after my stint as dorky fanboy. Being the typical gay man that I am, I complemented her on her new hair color. WHAT A DORK!! LOL!!

As an added bonus, I saw my good friend Joel, with whom I have not seen in probably four years. I was wondering what happened to him. As it turned out, he was working the Neurosis show. I met Joel (as with my friends Megan and Ken) on the SWANS list. He managed Graceland, the all ages venue that apparently just closed. He mentioned that it was going to open back up soon. That was an added treat to make the night great.

However, my mood changed when I decided to go to the Eagle after the show. I prefer to go to the Eagle, versus the other gay bars in Seattle, but lately, I've felt completely invisible from everyone. I am struggling with how I identify and connect to the rest of the GLBT community. In reality, I don't identify. I try. Failure. Maybe I am not trying enough? That could be! How much more do I try before I decide to give up entirely. I find myself more attracted to the clientele that goes to the Eagle than the clientele that goes to R Place or Neighbours. I can't win. Maybe it is meant to be a losing battle. I guess the best I can do is continue to be myself, be unique as I wanna be and maybe eventually it will get noticed. In the meantime, I continue to be me.

January 2005 Current Listening

2005-01-12T21:15:00.000-08:00

Nurse With Wound/Jim O'Rourke - Tape Monkey Mooch (Angry Eelectric Finger 1)
Nurse With Wound/Cyclobe - Paraparaparallellogrammatica (Angry Eelectric Finger 2)
Nurse With Wound - Shipwreck Audio
BBC Essential Mix - Black Strobe 11.25.2004 mp3
COIL - ANS
COIL - Moon's Milk (In Four Phases)
Michael Mayer - Touch
Kompakt Various - Speicher 2
Fixmer/McCarthy - Between the Devil
The Soft Pink Truth - Do You Want New Wave, or Do You Want....
Larsen - Play
P.J. Harvey - Uh Huh Her

You gotta love (and hate) her!

2005-01-12T20:24:00.000-08:00

That is exactly my gut reaction everytime Ann Coultier opens her damn mouth. She's funny because of the stupid shit she says, but I also hate her because of the stupid ass things she says. This time, the current issue of Time Magazine. In it, there is a section of the cover article about what makes "celebrities" happy. Her response was: Liberals crying, threatening to leave the U.S. for Canada. I think that it's funny when she disses celebrities when they try to speak about politics, but, then, she is in a section about "celebrities." That is the typical Right-Wing rhetoric - they condemn Hollywood, but yet, they are a part of Hollywood, also. Ann Coultier, Rush Limbaugh, Pat Robertson....they are all celebrities. They say things because people will turn their heads and take note.

Oh, and another thing: I hate to disappoint Ann, but this is one liberal that is not leaving this country. This liberal, for one thing, is here to stay and fight.

Frustrated, and in a state of blah

2005-01-09T14:58:00.000-08:00

To be totally truthful here, I am frustrated beyond belief with where my life is going right now. I am suffering from several problems:

1. Shyness - I see people all over as I trevail down the streets of Seattle. I see people that seem interesting and might potentially be cool to hang out with. But, the problem is, I am afraid to approach people because I am afraid of rejection. Rejection (sometimes, it might be all in my head) is a daily part of my life. I feel completely invisible and not cool enough. When I make eye contact with people, the eyes immediately bolt to the top of the head, in a "rolling their eyes" motion. These knee-jerk reactions wither away at my self-esteem and I find myself falling deeper into the hole of invisibility.

2. Friends don't call or return e-mails (if they do, it's extremely rare.) Finally, I am able to put words to the feelings. It's like I feel like my name came up on "The Ten Most Wanted" list and everyone else is aware of it, except for me. I have fears of my name being slandered and as a result, people are ignoring me because of the newly created stigma attached to me. I know that this is totally in my head, but I have become pre-occupied with this unrealistic fear.

3. Lack of motivation - This affects all aspects of my life, from approaching my housemate about the frustration that things are going nowhere, to getting my writing together to submit to publishers and writing contests. It hampers my inability to approach and meet new people. It prevents me from going out and just simply doing things.

4. My sexuality - I constantly feel like I am only noticed for my cock. People double-take when I whip it out, but their "tunnel vision" prevents them from seeing other things about me. Examples: my sense of humor (underneath the apparent seriousness), my personality, my diverse interests, my open-mindedness, my ability to hold a conversation (once I get to know someone), etc. Nope! Typical male thinks with his dick mentality at its finest.

I am approaching my 32nd birthday and I was initially excited about it. However, after some further consideration, I have realized it is going to be yet another birthday that absolutely no one will acknowledge other than my faithful family. Simply put, I can not continue down this path of unhappiness and frustration. I am near the point of bashing my head into a brick wall or forcing someone to place the straitjacket on me tightly to the point of near-suffocation. I do not feel good about myself right now. I have not felt good about myself for a very long time. I thought moving back to the place that I love would help, but in some aspects, it has made it worse.

There is a bright side - there usually is, but I rarely focus on it. The job situation is good. I work with people that are fully aware of my potential and are grateful for the work I have done. There is respect on the job, which is something I've long strived for. My old job at the AGO was close to it. I have great friends and wonderful housemate. However, a phone call from any one of them, simply wanting to know how I am doing is a relatively small request, I think. I am making a serious attempt in the next few months addressing these feeling, speaking out about these feelings (particularly, through this blog). Putting these feelings to words is an easier way for me to express myself than talking out loud.

Cheers to 2005

2005-01-01T16:38:00.000-08:00

Well, 2005 has finally arrived. I am relieved that 2004 is now behind me. I'm ready for a great year. I need to have a great year for sanity sake. Yeah, GWB may be in power for another 4 years, but I am not going to let that interfere with me having a great year. Michele Bachmann (State Senator from Stillwater, MN) may try to pass her heinous and discriminatory Anti-gay marriage amendment in the MN Constitution, but, I , along with others, will fight here. I will not allow her to interfere with my ability to have a great year. I will not let callous and unspiritual comments from the Pope hamper my ability to have a great year. For far too long, I've let other people's ignorance and hatred get to me. Now is the time where I no longer allow any of the bullshit in the world bring me down. I have to fight for the right to my own sanity. That is all there is to it.

2004 is ALMOST over

2004-12-31T17:36:00.000-08:00

I don't know about others, but, I, for one, am grately relieved that 2004 is just about over. This was an awesome year, but a horrible year at the same time. Is that really possible? In my mind, yes.

Good thing: London trip
Bad thing: Another 4-Year trip to Camp Bush-Is-An-Asshole

Cheers to the NEW YEAR 2005 and cheers to lots and lots of blogging activity in 2005!

Any year is a better year than this year.

2005 New Year's Resolutions - A Work in Progress

2004-12-27T18:37:00.000-08:00

1. Celibacy - there is no romance in the community I live in. At least, romance has been elusive for me. I have more to offer than a dick up another guy's ass. I have more to offer than a big cock. I have more to offer than a good blowjob. I simply want more dates and other experiences, rather than instantly throwing myself into random sexual situations with no feeling or no afterthought. I want to be respected and loved just like anyone else. That is not very much to ask. I am not completely innocent, though. Part of the problem is that I allow this behavior to continue and accept this behavior as the way it is. People tell me that it is the bar scene, and this behavior is not exclusive to the homosexual bar scene. I believe this for the most part, but the alternatives have not been any better yet.

2. Better finances - I am tired of always being broke and self-conscious over how and where I spend my money every waking second. I want to pay bills on time and save a little bit.

3. Trip to Iceland - Travelling to Iceland for Gay Pride is one of my big goals for this new year. Iceland's Gay Pride is usually the second week of August. From pictures I've seen, Iceland seems incredibly beautiful and not as cold as people might think.

4. Focus on my writing - Writing has been virtually non-existent during the year 2004. That will change in 2005. Self-publishing is a more viable option due to technological advances.

5. Website/Web Design - I want to learn web design and have plans for a website. This would also be helpful in working with my writing.

6. Back to School - I would like to start back at school by Spring term, even if it is only one or two classes. Along with this, I also want to take film courses again. My interest in filmmaking has come back.

Top Ten Favorite Recordings of 2004 - Year in Review Part 2

2004-12-26T21:32:00.000-08:00

10. Self-titled - The Dead Texan
9. The Eye of Every Storm - Neurosis
8. This Island - LeTigre
7. The Greater Wrong of the Right - Skinny Puppy
6. Medulla - Bjork
5. I.Com - Miss Kittin
4. Kesto - Pan Sonic
3. Between The Devil - Fixmer/McCarthy
2. No Future No Past - Das Bierbeben
1. Sonic Nurse - Sonic Youth

Honorable Mentions: ANS - Coil; Astronaut - Duran Duran; Fly or Die - N.E.R.D.; TG Now -Throbbing Gristle; City - Client; Involver - Sasha; Antics - Interpol; We Fight Til Death - Windsor for the Derby

Compilations and Reissues: My Parade - Ellen Allien; Anhedoniac - Jarboe (reissue); Kompakt 100; Speicher 2 - Kompakt; Global Underground 26: Romania - James Lavelle; The Remix Collection - Ellen Allien; Soliloquies for Lilith - Nurse With Wound (reissue); First Album - Miss Kittin & The Hacker (reissue); Light & Magic - Ladytron (reissue)

Most frequently listened to 2003 Releases: Black Cherry - Goldfrapp; Neurosis & Jarboe; Fatherfucker - Peaches

Songs of the Year: I Love You Golden Blue - Sonic Youth; Requiem for a Hit - Miss Kittin; The End of the World - Kiki; Nanny Nanny Boo Boo - LeTigre; Pleasure from the Bass - Tiga

Remix of the Year: Shake Yer Dix (Tiga) - Peaches

Worst Artist of the Year: Scissors Sisters

Most Over-Played Artist of the Year: Maroon 5 (And, I hate them, too!!)

Christmas

2004-12-26T13:03:00.000-08:00

Despite the fact that this year has not been the greatest, Christmas ended on a nice note. I had a fabulous Christmas dinner with Kent's sisters and families (Kent is my housemate). I also found myself pleasantly surprised with lottery tickets (won $13) and a Best Buy gift card, which I was not expecting. Adding all this to the Barnes & Noble card from one of the attorneys I work for, a Tully's card from the secretaries I file for, and a Gap gift card from Kent made me realize that I have been such a scrooge this holiday season. Bah humbug to me. But, it is generosity that makes the season what it is.

Best Concerts of 2004: Follow-up

2004-12-24T14:25:00.000-08:00

Ooops. Posters tacked up all over Capital Hill reminds me that I forgot to add Derrick May, First Avenue, Mpls., October 16th, to the best-of shows of 2004. He is one of the founding fathers of Detroit techno.

WHAT THE FUCK?!?!??!?!?

2004-12-20T10:56:00.000-08:00

Time voted George W. Bush as Person of the Year. That absolutely disgusts me. I am extremely disappointed in our media.

Best Concerts of 2004 - Year in Review Part 1

2004-12-19T13:34:00.000-08:00

Overall, I think that 2004 has been one of the best years for shows that I can remember. I was fortunate enough to be able to attend some awesome shows over the last twelve months. Here is a list of my favorite shows of the year 2004 (not in any order):

Psychic TV, Chop Suey, Seattle, November 6
P.J. Harvey, First Avenue, Mpls., October 1
P.J. Harvey, Showbox, Seattle, October 31
Le Tigre, Showbox, Seattle, November 21
Throbbing Gristle, Astoria, London, U.K., May 16
Miss Kittin, Sound Bar, Chicago, July 22
Madonna, United Center, Chicago, July 11
Sex In Dallas, Nag Nag Nag/Ghetto, London, U.K., May 19
Laibach, Neumo's, Seattle, November 20
Diamanda Galas, TBA 2004, Portland, September 10 & 12
Peaches and All The Pretty Horses, First Avenue, Mpls., May 8
Einsturzende Neubauten, First Avenue, Mpls., May 1
Sonic Youth, The Quest Club, Mpls., July 28
Ministry and My Life with the Thrill Kill Kult, The Quest Club, Mpls., date ?
Richie Hawtin, The Quest Club, Mpls., July 3
UNKLE, Chop Suey, Seattle, November 4

Disappointments of the Year:

-- Interpol, First Avenue, Mpls, - The place was so crowded and was really hard to see the band with the lack of lighting. We were also distracted by obnoxious drunk nearby who could not stand straight.
-- The non-realization of the RE-TG event in England - Was supposed to be a "Celebration of Industrial Music," but was cancelled at last minute. At least, TG were kind enough to make it up to those who spent the dollars to travel all the way to the U.K.
-- The fact that I will never get the chance to see Coil live. Jhonn Balance, RIP
-- Missing N.E.R.D. because my friends were irritated and wanted to go home. The Black Eyed Peas were good, though.
-- The fact that Modest Mouse and Death Cab for Cutie both sold out First Avenue this year.
-- The near-closing of First Avenue (it closed and then, re-opened)
-- I missed the Legendary Pink Dots for the third consecutive tour (exhaustion was at fault the first two times, the most recent time was that they played Mpls. the last day I was in London.)
-- Missing Ellen Allien in Portland for financial reasons.

The Pretenders - Rock n' Roll Hall of Fame

2004-12-15T18:29:00.000-08:00

The Pretenders are getting inducted into the Rock n' Roll Hall of Fame. They were one of my first favorite bands as a teenager. I can not believe it's been that long. However, I am surprised to hear that Patti Smith, The Stooges, and the Sex Pistols did not make it.

Andy Bell of Erasure

2004-12-15T18:17:00.000-08:00

I was very sad to hear the news about Andy Bell being HIV+ positive. Another beautiful person living with this despicable disease. Some days prove difficult to see these things happening around me.

Unpopular

2004-12-13T19:35:00.000-08:00

I am going to "cut" to the chase. I FUCKING HATE THE SCISSORS SISTERS! They are by the far the worst band of 2004. What doesn't make sense to me is the fact that everyone around me seems to LOVE them. Utter bullshit, if you ask me. The lead singer's pixiesque, sprite-ish voice grates on me so much. They were on SNL last Saturday night with Colin Farrell and were horrible. The lead singer's outfit during the second song, the horrific Pink Floyd cover, Comfortably Numb, was bad in a non-descript sort of way. Wait a minute. That outfit looks awfully familiar. Oh yeah, I think that I've seen that outfit on Sigourney Weaver. No, Sharon Stone. Nah, that can't be it. Wait - Angelina Jolie. Yeah, Angelina Jolie was the one. Aww, shucks. Dammit. Lord, I can never keep these actresses straight.

South Africa

2004-12-04T17:57:00.000-08:00

Victory for Same-Sex Marriage Rights in South Africa

Larry Kramer's State of the Gay Community

2004-12-02T20:43:00.000-08:00

Thought-provoking speech from Queer Rights activist Larry Kramer about the State of the Gay Community.

i am experimental

2004-12-02T20:37:00.000-08:00

I am experimenting with various blogging programs to see what I like. Thus far, my biggest complaint is the lack of templates and different fonts that are available with these programs. I think that it might be best for me to learn HTML (no matter how I hard I resist it) so that I can be more creative with style, look, and fonts. This will be an ongoing process to try to weave my way through. Let the adventure begin.