Frustrated, and in a state of blah
To be totally truthful here, I am frustrated beyond belief with where my life is going right now. I am suffering from several problems:
1. Shyness - I see people all over as I trevail down the streets of Seattle. I see people that seem interesting and might potentially be cool to hang out with. But, the problem is, I am afraid to approach people because I am afraid of rejection. Rejection (sometimes, it might be all in my head) is a daily part of my life. I feel completely invisible and not cool enough. When I make eye contact with people, the eyes immediately bolt to the top of the head, in a "rolling their eyes" motion. These knee-jerk reactions wither away at my self-esteem and I find myself falling deeper into the hole of invisibility.
2. Friends don't call or return e-mails (if they do, it's extremely rare.) Finally, I am able to put words to the feelings. It's like I feel like my name came up on "The Ten Most Wanted" list and everyone else is aware of it, except for me. I have fears of my name being slandered and as a result, people are ignoring me because of the newly created stigma attached to me. I know that this is totally in my head, but I have become pre-occupied with this unrealistic fear.
3. Lack of motivation - This affects all aspects of my life, from approaching my housemate about the frustration that things are going nowhere, to getting my writing together to submit to publishers and writing contests. It hampers my inability to approach and meet new people. It prevents me from going out and just simply doing things.
4. My sexuality - I constantly feel like I am only noticed for my cock. People double-take when I whip it out, but their "tunnel vision" prevents them from seeing other things about me. Examples: my sense of humor (underneath the apparent seriousness), my personality, my diverse interests, my open-mindedness, my ability to hold a conversation (once I get to know someone), etc. Nope! Typical male thinks with his dick mentality at its finest.
I am approaching my 32nd birthday and I was initially excited about it. However, after some further consideration, I have realized it is going to be yet another birthday that absolutely no one will acknowledge other than my faithful family. Simply put, I can not continue down this path of unhappiness and frustration. I am near the point of bashing my head into a brick wall or forcing someone to place the straitjacket on me tightly to the point of near-suffocation. I do not feel good about myself right now. I have not felt good about myself for a very long time. I thought moving back to the place that I love would help, but in some aspects, it has made it worse.
There is a bright side - there usually is, but I rarely focus on it. The job situation is good. I work with people that are fully aware of my potential and are grateful for the work I have done. There is respect on the job, which is something I've long strived for. My old job at the AGO was close to it. I have great friends and wonderful housemate. However, a phone call from any one of them, simply wanting to know how I am doing is a relatively small request, I think. I am making a serious attempt in the next few months addressing these feeling, speaking out about these feelings (particularly, through this blog). Putting these feelings to words is an easier way for me to express myself than talking out loud.
1. Shyness - I see people all over as I trevail down the streets of Seattle. I see people that seem interesting and might potentially be cool to hang out with. But, the problem is, I am afraid to approach people because I am afraid of rejection. Rejection (sometimes, it might be all in my head) is a daily part of my life. I feel completely invisible and not cool enough. When I make eye contact with people, the eyes immediately bolt to the top of the head, in a "rolling their eyes" motion. These knee-jerk reactions wither away at my self-esteem and I find myself falling deeper into the hole of invisibility.
2. Friends don't call or return e-mails (if they do, it's extremely rare.) Finally, I am able to put words to the feelings. It's like I feel like my name came up on "The Ten Most Wanted" list and everyone else is aware of it, except for me. I have fears of my name being slandered and as a result, people are ignoring me because of the newly created stigma attached to me. I know that this is totally in my head, but I have become pre-occupied with this unrealistic fear.
3. Lack of motivation - This affects all aspects of my life, from approaching my housemate about the frustration that things are going nowhere, to getting my writing together to submit to publishers and writing contests. It hampers my inability to approach and meet new people. It prevents me from going out and just simply doing things.
4. My sexuality - I constantly feel like I am only noticed for my cock. People double-take when I whip it out, but their "tunnel vision" prevents them from seeing other things about me. Examples: my sense of humor (underneath the apparent seriousness), my personality, my diverse interests, my open-mindedness, my ability to hold a conversation (once I get to know someone), etc. Nope! Typical male thinks with his dick mentality at its finest.
I am approaching my 32nd birthday and I was initially excited about it. However, after some further consideration, I have realized it is going to be yet another birthday that absolutely no one will acknowledge other than my faithful family. Simply put, I can not continue down this path of unhappiness and frustration. I am near the point of bashing my head into a brick wall or forcing someone to place the straitjacket on me tightly to the point of near-suffocation. I do not feel good about myself right now. I have not felt good about myself for a very long time. I thought moving back to the place that I love would help, but in some aspects, it has made it worse.
There is a bright side - there usually is, but I rarely focus on it. The job situation is good. I work with people that are fully aware of my potential and are grateful for the work I have done. There is respect on the job, which is something I've long strived for. My old job at the AGO was close to it. I have great friends and wonderful housemate. However, a phone call from any one of them, simply wanting to know how I am doing is a relatively small request, I think. I am making a serious attempt in the next few months addressing these feeling, speaking out about these feelings (particularly, through this blog). Putting these feelings to words is an easier way for me to express myself than talking out loud.
posted by Isolationist at 2:58 PM
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